By Dianne Bayley

I recently wrote a blog about driving in Johannesburg, but feel it’s necessary to give our soon-to-visit FIFA World Cup 2010 Soccer fans an update after weeks of heavy rains - and strange reactions by most of our roads to the weather.

We have potholes. Now, we’re not talking holes in the road that you could fit a pot in. We’re talking holes in the road you can fit small vehicles in, or three Harleys. We’re talking holes in Johannesburg’s roads that may have guests thinking they’ve arrived at our world-famous Big Hole in Kimberley.

In one area, some clever - and concerned - citizen has planted several ferns and bushes in one of the potholes, so that cars taking the bend don’t end up in the pit. In my area, you now have to drive down the centre of the road - otherwise known as “tearing down the dotted line” - to avoid the crumbling edges of streets.

For visitors, here’s what you have to know before you drive in Johannesburg: The minute it starts to rain, stop lights (fondly known as “robots” to locals) cease to be of any use at all. Some used to flash red for all four corners of the intersection, but the red lights gave up doing all the hard work, so nothing works.

In some countries, this means “Stop. Allow one car from each other intersection to pull off. Move when it’s your turn and it’s safe to do so.” In Johannesburg, it means: Speed up so you get to the intersection first. Scream at the driver in front of you for not  moving as quickly as you thought he should. Push in before anyone else has a chance to, and - this is particularly important - block the entire intersection so nobody else can use any part of that road.

Also, the minute it rains, you are legally obliged to have a full-frontal lobotomy and turn into a maniac. Rain means “get there quicker”, and so you must speed along and pay no attention to potholes, pedestrians or oil slicks on the roads that make wet weather dangerous for drivers.

If, dear guest, you hire a 4X4 to get you around, there are other things to consider. Firstly, you own the road. No, really. You’re bigger than everyone else; more intimidating - and can use that big ol’ winch to get yourself out of one of the smaller potholes. You can also scare the hell out of pedestrians, because he who has the bull-bar has right of way.

If, however, you hire and Expensive German Vehicle (B or M, it matters not), you will be required to break the speed limit only when it’s extremely dangerous to do so; and drive snail-slow (albeit tearing down the dotted line on a major road) when your mobile phone rings. No hassle. We KNOW how important you are. Don’t mind us!

Because there will be buses to take you from designated parking areas to our new (and beautiful) stadiums, abandon your car in any one of them and disregard the fact that you have taken up two parking spaces. No, really - we do it all the time. And if one of them happens to be a bay signposted for use ONLY by handicapped people, so much the better. Again, your importance is astounding and we bow to your superior spirit.

In the event of sunshine, robots working, drivers using hands-free kits to take mobile phone calls, pedestrians being careful about where they cross the streets, and Expensive German Car owners driving within the speed limits, call me. I’ll give you the drugs required to bring you back to reality after your apparent encounter with jetlag. (We grown them in the potholes!)